Gossip Lessons

Late last week I learned that someone in my life said some disparaging things about me to several other people. Specifically she said something about my business skills and the fact that I was "moody"*. I was angry, as this person holds a certain place of authority. Even this morning I felt a pang of anger and resentment.

Then I stopped to think about her words and her actions and found out several things about myself and about all interpersonal relationships as well.

1.) I do wear my heart on my sleeve. If I'm under stress and I don't want to be doing what I'm doing, or if I'm taking direction from someone I wholeheartedly disagree with... I am moody and I let it be shown. Stoicism is not my strong suit. While I have become more mature about the way I handle it, I think this is an area where I will never "solve" the problem if there is indeed a problem needing solving. Although I disagree with her conclusion regarding my line of work, in her point of view I was rightly moody and she wasn't wrong, though the way she disseminated the information was wrong.


Lesson learned: If you are taken aback by what someone says to others, ask yourself if what they're saying has merit. Don't worry, I'm not "blaming the victim," but I do like to use "negatives" as learning experiences. It's okay to be angry that someone is gossiping about you or if they were lying about you, but ask yourself if you're more angry that they were gossiping or because what they said had a pang of truth that you don't want to hear. Even in lies there is usually a grain of truth, so keen self-examination is always necessary so that you might improve yourself.

2.) I learned how to set boundaries with this person. I know now that choosing to be too friendly up front was a disservice in hindsight. Especially in business, being friendly, not familiar, is what will serve you well. Politely speaking up when the person in question oversteps her bounds is a good idea in my case.

Lesson learned: There is power in what you don't say. Getting too familiar can be a hindrance to relationships, especially professional ones. Gradually letting someone in is much better than laying it all out there and then having to attempt to "take it back" later.

3.) Know the culture and have a game plan in order to react to it. There is a culture in this circumstance to talk and share ideas, which is unfortunately a natural progression to gossiping about other people. I know this full-well now and plan to do what I feel is my Biblical duty (or "Golden Rule" duty if you're not Biblically inclined) to do unto others as I wish others to do unto me. If I go in with the game-plan of being above reproach, I can more easily extricate myself from situations where negative gossip pops up. '

Lesson learned: The right choice is usually the hardest one -or- "Honor the absentee." If someone isn't in the room to stick up for themselves, they probably shouldn't be spoken about, unless you're celebrating them. If you mess up, be willing to admit when you're wrong and ask for forgiveness. If someone starts the gossip train, politely remove yourself from the situation. Stay above reproach and live your values if "do unto others" is one of your values. Saying, "I'm so glad Aunt Sally won that award!" is celebration, but "Aunt Sally's being so snide about her award, don't you think?" is gossip, if you needed an explanation! To quote a childhood friend, "Don't hate... Celebrate!"

Miffed though I was to hear that this person was gossiping about me, and for as many "zingers" as I had running through my head most of the weekend, this really served as a wake-up call to me to listen much, speak little, and mind my values. I will never pretend to be perfect. If I do, feel free to slap me around! But I will certainly proclaim to be enlightened on the subject this week! Trials bring revelations and pain brings with it life lessons. Hopefully this turns a light bulb on for you as well.

*I chose my words carefully to avoid being gossipy myself. Self-restraint is hard, believe me! As an illustration to the point at hand, I feel I chose them fairly well. You may certainly disagree politely in the comments if you feel otherwise.


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